This is who I am...

[FYI: I was going to split up my rather long rant into sections and post one a day or something, but I think I’ll lose my nerve if I do that.  Or simply forget.  So I’m going to post it all at once.  Read it a bit at a time if you like (if you plan on reading it at all), but at the moment I just need to know it’s all out in the world, you know?  Anyways…]

I feel like I should post a disclaimer here first off.  Or a few of them really.  This started as an attempt at catharsis, a need to sort out the thoughts in my head.  I’ll rant and rave and ramble.  My thoughts tend to wander off without my permission.  I can’t promise it’ll all make sense.  This is all still just my personal view on the world.  I’m hardly objective.

I’m going to try to be honest.  Completely honest.  Which is, frankly, rather terrifying for me.  I have a very deep seeded need to be liked, and I tend to adjust to the people around me in order to be accepted.  It’s not that I act completely different from my true self but I do tend to show certain sides of myself more than others.  I also tend to stay quiet when potentially touchy subjects come up, unless I know I agree with what the people currently around me believe.  Life is easier that way; I don’t like to argue.  Confrontation makes me anxious and sick.  But I worry, sometimes, that the person people see isn’t really me.  I wonder what they’d think if they really knew me.  And I get tired of feeling like I’m hiding who I really am.

So now I’m blogging.  Because writing is so much easier than talking.  It’s still absolutely terrifying though, so please try to keep an open mind.  Comment all you like, but please be kind to one another.  I have a very eclectic group of friends with a wide variety of beliefs.  We’re all going to step on each others' toes, I’m sure (assuming anyone reads this at all), but that doesn’t mean we have to be aggressive about it.

Anyways, DISCLAIMER: I’m a lot more conservative than I let a lot of people believe (or so I think.  Maybe people know me better than I realize).  I also struggle with doubt more than I’ve ever told anyone.  I question everything these days.  So here’s your warning: if you don’t want your views shaken, stop reading now.