Faith, Doubt, and the Mess In-Between...

I’ve struggled with faith a lot the last couple years.  I haven’t discussed it with people who don’t believe because I’m afraid they’ll encourage the doubt (and religion is such an uncomfortable topic when you believe different things anyways).  I haven’t discussed it with people who seem to have a faith more certain than mine because either I’m afraid that they’ll think less of me or worse, that I’ll shake up their faith too.

I’m kind of easily swayed in most things.  It’s a consequence of trying to keep an open mind, empathy, trying to see both sides of things, or maybe just a people-pleasing personality.  Or maybe I’m just not as good at standing my ground or as strong as I like to pretend.  So I struggle and search and question and in the end, I believe anyway.

For those of you who haven’t known me all my life, I grew up believing in God.  When I was a child I believed because every adult I looked up to, everyone I trusted believed.  My parents, my church leaders, even my peers believed.  Why would I question?

Now, of course, I’m surrounded by people who believe different things.  Some are more conservative than I am, so are infinitely more liberal.  Both make me question sometimes, even if only because their/your/our views of the world are so were different.  I respect people on both ends of the extremes, which hardly helps.

And there I go again, letting other people make up my mind for me.

The thing is, I can see both sides.  I grew up Christian, but I have to wonder what I’d believe now if I hadn’t.  Believing used to be so easy.  Confronted by the sheer number of people who believe differently… it makes me wonder.  What if they’re right?  What if there is no God?  Or even if there is a God, how do we know Christianity is the one that got it right?

Doubt is a toxin…  Really, truly doubting God’s existence for the first time in my life nearly crippled me.  I struggle with depression from time to time and that… was bad night.

I’d have given anything for certainty.  It didn’t come.

But I chose to believe anyways.

There are days I swear I can feel it, the truth of faith, that absolute certainty so intensely I can’t imagine every questioning it.  Some days I feel so close to God, so connected, so loved, so at peace that it’s like touching a little piece of heaven.

Of course on other days that doubtful little hiss in the back of my mind reminds me that emotions can’t be trusted.

Some days I believe because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Looking back on my life it amazes me the way things work out. I can’t believe in coincidence. Even in the worst things that happened to me (losing my mother, depression, that sense of being so incredibly lost between childhood and adulthood– though admittedly I’ve had a very blessed life), I can see the way God worked through them. If anything had gone differently, different people, different experiences, I wouldn’t be quite the person I am today. Maybe this is who I need to be right now. And if I, such a small, self-focused, insignificant creature in the scope of the universe, can see glimpses of the design, how much more could a Creator incredible enough to make everything see?

Some days though, I’m tired, jaded, confused, and insecure.  Those days I’m scared that maybe I believe because I need to believe, not because I’m convinced, that faith is what keeps me going rather than God.  Because believing means hope and purpose and I don’t know how to live without faith.  Imagining the world without God… What’s the point without him?  Without a bigger plan and an eternity to look forward to?  I need to know I’m not alone.  I need to know He’s looking out for me.

I need to know that I don’t have to be afraid of death.

Even on those days I still pray like someone is listening, still plead for the salvation of my friends, still worry about who’s going to heaven and who’s going to hell.  I still believe in eternity.  I have to.  Otherwise, what’s the point?

In the end, faith is a choice, a decision to believe no matter what’s going on in my life.  To trust, even when I don’t understand.