Objections to God

               Alright, I’ll admit I was kind of hoping all that ranting would spark a conversation or two (despite also being a little afraid of just that).  I’ll admit though, my blog is a lot of rambling to slog through.

               So now I’m asking outright.  For those of you who are atheist, agnostic, or undecided: why don’t you believe in God?  What are you biggest objections to Christianity, faith, or religion in general?

               Pleased speak up.  I might argue with you, but I won’t be mean.  (Seriously guys, if commenting on other people’s comments, non-judgmental replies only.  It’s okay to disagree.  It’s not okay to try to make other people feel stupid).  Comment anonymously if you like, but comment.

               Some of you that I love the most don’t believe in God.  I haven’t asked why because I hate to argue and part of me is scared you’ll give me a reason I can’t argue with.  But I’m asking now.  Please.  I want to know.

               I wondered if I should do this a little less… anonymously, in an open blog post like this, but face to face confrontation terrifies me and I think clearer when I type things out than when I talk.

               I’d also like to get other people’s input on all of this, but if you’d rather, you can email me or send me a private facebook message.

               I realize that you have the right to believe whatever you like without other people butting into it, but I love you, and it scares me that you’re an atheist.  I’d at least like to know why, to have some sort of chance to discuss it with you.

               For those of you who do believe in God: what are the things you struggle with the most?  What have you struggled with in the past?  What got you through it?

               Don’t be shy.  I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that we struggle, that we’re human and that we don’t have all the answers.  I know the feeling of praying for certainty and not getting it.  I know what it’s like to wonder and question and doubt.

               I also believe faith perseveres in the end.

Musings...

Death's a little scary these days because I can't help but wonder "what if...?"  I wonder if I'd still feel peace when faced with death the way I used to think I would.  Assuming I had time to think/feel anything at all.  Really, if I was going to die, I think I'd rather not see it coming.

It didn't used to scare me though and on my better days it still doesn't.  The thought of pain scares me, but the actual ending of life, not so much.

The thought of dying without leaving anything worthwhile behind on the other hand...

That's part of why I'm ranting here, I suppose.  With all these thoughts running around in my head, I'd like to hope they might make a difference to someone, even if only to get them thinking.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.  I'm not an ambitious person.  I'm easily distractable and not particularly goal-oriented.  I'm not in school.  I don't have a degree.  I don't have any idea where I want my life to go.  I have so vague dreams about being a writer, but I'm not convinced those will ever be more than dreams.  I work at Hallmark; not exactly life-changing stuff, you know.

The thing is, I'm content with my life (for the most part).  I'm comfortable.  Complacent (though that doesn't sound quite so complementary).  It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm making any sort of difference in the world at all.

But then, I suppose it isn't necessarily about the jobs we do so much as how we interact with the people in our lives.  Maybe I make people's lives just a little better when I do my job well.  Maybe making a customer laugh or smile or even just listening while they talk makes a difference in their day.  The little kids I play with in Sunday school won't remember my face or my name, but maybe I'll be part of making church a happy, safe place to be as they grow up.

When I think about the things that matter to me in the day to day, more often than not it's the little things, gestures of kindness or friendliness or good humor that brighten my day the most.  It's the quiet (or not so quiet) company of friends, a shared laugh, the chance to rant to a friendly ear (or type, as the case may be), or to listen and be included in someone's life that keep me from feeling alone in the world.

Hope...

This mess might make more sense if you read from the first post onward.  But then again, maybe it won't.  ^_^;  Things that make sense in my head don't always work as well once they're typed up.

And don’t get me wrong, for all my whining about doubts and struggles, I’m generally fairly content.  I have issues with depression once in a while, but it’s mild and usually just a sign that I need more sleep or I need to stop worrying about something.  I tend to escape into stories (movies, TV, books, you name it) until I feel better and it’s easy to face the world again.

I like life.  I love creation and worship and being surrounded by people I care about.  I try to believe the best of people, to see both sides of every story.  I don’t always manage it but I try.  I’m an optimist at heart, though I try to be realistic about things as well.  I’m easily amused and I usually find that if I smile even when I’m down, I start to mean it.

Life is confusing and surprising, terrible and magnificent.  There's good and bad in everything, hope and fear, faith and doubt in every life.  Maybe that's just how it is.  Maybe we're supposed to spend our journey searching.  And maybe it’s okay to believe even when there’s questions and doubt and uncertainty.  For all my struggles with faith, I still believe someone’s listening when I pray.

Because when it comes right down to it, at the end of the day… I’d rather live with hope.

Happy Puppet People?

Though I question and struggle from time to time, I still believe in a powerful, loving God despite all the messed up crap that goes on here.  How? Faith, mostly.  I have enough trust in me to believe that when all this is over, somehow it will all be made right, that it will all have been worth it.  And I believe that, while he doesn’t cause evil things to happen, God can still use them for good. That everything has a purpose.  Maybe it’s a wakeup call, or a test for someone’s faith.  Maybe it’s to make us stronger; maybe we’ll need that strength in the future.  Maybe it’s an experience we need to go through in order to know how to help someone else latter.  Maybe it’s to prevent something worse.  Maybe it’s beyond my understanding. Everything effects so many other things it’s impossible for anyone but God to see the outcome.

I figure all the bad stuff is a consequence of living in a fallen world. We choose sin, the bad guys choose evil and we’re left with a world full of heartache and tragedy, where sometimes bad things happen to good people. I don’t really understand why God doesn’t just snap his fingers and make it better, but I can trust there’s a reason. Maybe doing so would mess up the balance he’s set in place for this world. Maybe part of free will is having to deal with the consequences, even when it's consequences from other people's choices and not your own.

After all, it’s better to be miserable sometimes and able to make your own choices than to be a happy puppet never free from its strings, right?

So sometimes life just sucks.  The thing is, you have to take into consideration how incredibly brief this life is; barely an instant in the stretch of eternity.  So life’s hard.  It’s short and then it’s over.  Then we have the chance to spend billions of lifetimes in paradise.  No more grief, no more fear, no more pain, no more doubt, no more unanswered questions; just an eternity with loved ones, with the Savior who loves you enough to be willing to die for your mistakes, and the God who gave up his son so you could be there.  Eternity.

It makes a single lifetime of struggle rather less daunting, though certainly not easy.

Heaven, Hell, & God...

How could a good God send people to hell?

The easy answer: Because though he is merciful, he’s also just.  He’s a holy God who cannot abide sin, and we’re all stained with it.  He can’t give us a free pass into heaven and still be a fair God. There has to be consequences, a penalty for every sin in order for there to be justice.  Hell, eternal separation from God is that penalty.  The only way to escape that is to accept Christ paying that penalty for you.

As far as the unfairness of “good people” going to hell, where exactly would you draw that line? Have only rapists and murders sentenced to hell?  What about crimes of self-defense?  Or crimes of passion people are truly repentant for?  Or murders committed during wars, under orders, or to protect other people?  Would thieves get into heaven?  Would it depend on what they stole?  The fact is none of us are good enough for heaven by God’s perfect standards.

The harder answer: I don’t know.  I really don’t understand a lot of things, and this is something I struggle with a lot.  It all looks well and good on paper, but to actually stop and think that someone I love might be sent to hell… It puts a different spin on things.

The Bible says things are black and white: either you put your faith in Christ and go to heaven, or you refuse and go to hell.

Now, I’ve heard more than one theory on what hell really is: literal fire and brimstone or simply eternal separation from God.  We see different interpretations in our effort to reconcile a God who loves us and a God who would send people (imperfect people, people who have chosen not to walk with him, yes, but people we love nonetheless) to hell.

Struggling with things like this makes it rather hard to witness to others.  How can I try to convince them of things I’ve been taught when I question them myself?

The thing is, I don’t need to understand everything.  I don’t need to be able to see God’s plan to believe He’ll do the right thing, whatever it is.  That’s what faith is, right?  I’m okay with however it ends because I know God loves the people I love even more than I do, sins and all.  So I’ll trust, just trust.

Faith, Doubt, and the Mess In-Between...

I’ve struggled with faith a lot the last couple years.  I haven’t discussed it with people who don’t believe because I’m afraid they’ll encourage the doubt (and religion is such an uncomfortable topic when you believe different things anyways).  I haven’t discussed it with people who seem to have a faith more certain than mine because either I’m afraid that they’ll think less of me or worse, that I’ll shake up their faith too.

I’m kind of easily swayed in most things.  It’s a consequence of trying to keep an open mind, empathy, trying to see both sides of things, or maybe just a people-pleasing personality.  Or maybe I’m just not as good at standing my ground or as strong as I like to pretend.  So I struggle and search and question and in the end, I believe anyway.

For those of you who haven’t known me all my life, I grew up believing in God.  When I was a child I believed because every adult I looked up to, everyone I trusted believed.  My parents, my church leaders, even my peers believed.  Why would I question?

Now, of course, I’m surrounded by people who believe different things.  Some are more conservative than I am, so are infinitely more liberal.  Both make me question sometimes, even if only because their/your/our views of the world are so were different.  I respect people on both ends of the extremes, which hardly helps.

And there I go again, letting other people make up my mind for me.

The thing is, I can see both sides.  I grew up Christian, but I have to wonder what I’d believe now if I hadn’t.  Believing used to be so easy.  Confronted by the sheer number of people who believe differently… it makes me wonder.  What if they’re right?  What if there is no God?  Or even if there is a God, how do we know Christianity is the one that got it right?

Doubt is a toxin…  Really, truly doubting God’s existence for the first time in my life nearly crippled me.  I struggle with depression from time to time and that… was bad night.

I’d have given anything for certainty.  It didn’t come.

But I chose to believe anyways.

There are days I swear I can feel it, the truth of faith, that absolute certainty so intensely I can’t imagine every questioning it.  Some days I feel so close to God, so connected, so loved, so at peace that it’s like touching a little piece of heaven.

Of course on other days that doubtful little hiss in the back of my mind reminds me that emotions can’t be trusted.

Some days I believe because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Looking back on my life it amazes me the way things work out. I can’t believe in coincidence. Even in the worst things that happened to me (losing my mother, depression, that sense of being so incredibly lost between childhood and adulthood– though admittedly I’ve had a very blessed life), I can see the way God worked through them. If anything had gone differently, different people, different experiences, I wouldn’t be quite the person I am today. Maybe this is who I need to be right now. And if I, such a small, self-focused, insignificant creature in the scope of the universe, can see glimpses of the design, how much more could a Creator incredible enough to make everything see?

Some days though, I’m tired, jaded, confused, and insecure.  Those days I’m scared that maybe I believe because I need to believe, not because I’m convinced, that faith is what keeps me going rather than God.  Because believing means hope and purpose and I don’t know how to live without faith.  Imagining the world without God… What’s the point without him?  Without a bigger plan and an eternity to look forward to?  I need to know I’m not alone.  I need to know He’s looking out for me.

I need to know that I don’t have to be afraid of death.

Even on those days I still pray like someone is listening, still plead for the salvation of my friends, still worry about who’s going to heaven and who’s going to hell.  I still believe in eternity.  I have to.  Otherwise, what’s the point?

In the end, faith is a choice, a decision to believe no matter what’s going on in my life.  To trust, even when I don’t understand.