Musings...

Death's a little scary these days because I can't help but wonder "what if...?"  I wonder if I'd still feel peace when faced with death the way I used to think I would.  Assuming I had time to think/feel anything at all.  Really, if I was going to die, I think I'd rather not see it coming.

It didn't used to scare me though and on my better days it still doesn't.  The thought of pain scares me, but the actual ending of life, not so much.

The thought of dying without leaving anything worthwhile behind on the other hand...

That's part of why I'm ranting here, I suppose.  With all these thoughts running around in my head, I'd like to hope they might make a difference to someone, even if only to get them thinking.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.  I'm not an ambitious person.  I'm easily distractable and not particularly goal-oriented.  I'm not in school.  I don't have a degree.  I don't have any idea where I want my life to go.  I have so vague dreams about being a writer, but I'm not convinced those will ever be more than dreams.  I work at Hallmark; not exactly life-changing stuff, you know.

The thing is, I'm content with my life (for the most part).  I'm comfortable.  Complacent (though that doesn't sound quite so complementary).  It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm making any sort of difference in the world at all.

But then, I suppose it isn't necessarily about the jobs we do so much as how we interact with the people in our lives.  Maybe I make people's lives just a little better when I do my job well.  Maybe making a customer laugh or smile or even just listening while they talk makes a difference in their day.  The little kids I play with in Sunday school won't remember my face or my name, but maybe I'll be part of making church a happy, safe place to be as they grow up.

When I think about the things that matter to me in the day to day, more often than not it's the little things, gestures of kindness or friendliness or good humor that brighten my day the most.  It's the quiet (or not so quiet) company of friends, a shared laugh, the chance to rant to a friendly ear (or type, as the case may be), or to listen and be included in someone's life that keep me from feeling alone in the world.