For all my struggles...

               For all my struggles with doubt and complacency, with my tendency to entertain worst-case scenarios and my need to ask “what-if”, I really do love my God

               And I love my church for reminding me why.

               God has always looked out for me.  When I need Him most He’s there.  When my mother died He brought me comfort, good friends, loving family, and the reassurance that I’d see her again.  When I was scared of nightmares, He took them away.  When I was terrified of change, He gave me calm.  When I don’t know where I’m going to live or where to find a job or what the next year is going to hold, He reminds me that he has always looked out for me.

               And it’s not just the big things; finding the right place to live or a much-needed roommate or keeping a close call on an icy road from becoming a life-threatening accident.  It’s the little things too that remind me how He loves me; the perfect song on the radio or in church just when I need to hear it most, the sun peeking from behind the clouds to take my breath away, a glimpse of wildlife or flowers just when I need something to smile about.

               There is such joy in worship.  In faith there is hope and purpose and life.  There is FREEDOM in surrender.  There is safety in belief.

               The only time I truly feel whole is when I’m worshiping, whether it’s with song or prayer or with my life.  I feel whole and certain and at home.

“You stood before creation.
Eternity within Your hand.
You spoke the earth into motion.
My soul now to stand.

You stood before my failure,
Carried the Cross for my shame.
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders.
My soul now to stand.

So what can I say.
What can I do.
But offer this heart O God,
Completely to You.

So I'll walk upon salvation.
Your Spirit alive in me.
This life to declare Your promise.
My soul now to stand.

So what can I say.
What can I do.
But offer this heart O God,
Completely to You.

So I'll stand,
With arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all.

So I'll stand.
My soul Lord to You surrendered.
All I am is Yours.”

“The Stand” by Hillsong

Quotes and belief

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”  - C.S. Lewis

               Despite all my doubts and questions, I still believe in God, in Christ.  I still pray and believe someone is listening.  I mean, I worry about it sometimes, wondering what if it’s all in my head, what if there’s no one there, but…  Even blind faith aside, creationism makes far more sense to me than evolution.  And looking back on my life, I can’t believe it’s all just coincidence; I have to believe that God is involved, that there’s a bigger plan.

               I suppose part of it’s stubbornness too.  I refuse to believe that this is it, that there’s no justice at the end to balance out all the bad and unfairness of this world, that people are just gone when they die.  That we’re really just on our own.  I don’t buy it.  I won’t.

               My heart longs for heaven.

               I’ve heard people talk about a “God-shaped hole”, that longing that nothing else on Earth can fill, but it’s often quotes or songs or pastors rather than people I really know.  I know I feel it, that certainty there’s something more, that longing, but I grew up believing in God and heaven and eternity and even questioning that for a moment made me feel its absence sharply.  I have to wonder if it’s the same for everyone else, if the people who don’t believe in God really believe to the depths of their hearts that this life is it, that there’s nothing when it’s over.  Or if they feel the longing too, that bone-deep certainty that there should be something more, something that maybe seems out of reach.

“Someone once said that if you sat a million monkeys at a million typewriters for a million years, one of them would eventually type out all of Hamlet by chance. But when we find the text of Hamlet, we don't wonder whether it came from chance and monkeys.”—Peter Kreeft

“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.” – C.S. Lewis

“If I took my watch apart...put it in a bag, and shook it up for billions of years...what are the odds that, when I’m done, I will reach into the bag and pull out a watch, ticking and on time? Order does not come from chaos!” – Mark Lowry